Don't Mess with the Human's Man
by MsDelightfullyInsane
Summary: Girls will always be attracted to Edward, even though he doesn't return the feelings. However, just because Edward doesn't have a wandering eye doesn't mean Bella won't get jealous. Rated M for violence and language. OOC.


Okay, so as you already know, I am making a 'Don't … The Human' series. So this one is about girls throwing themselves at Edward. Uh, this is way OOC. She freaks out. A lot. Really, she does. Okay, so here it goes.

Disclaimer: Yes, I do not own Twilight, none of it is not not mine and all the characters are mine only in an alternate universe.

Bella POV:

The threat of Victoria and her army is still here, but for now we, meaning the Cullens and I, have to try to act normal. But see, there is this huge problem.

Bitches are trying to take my man.

That's right, I said it. These girls are trying even harder than ever to get Edward to go out with (and by go out they mean hump in the back of his Volvo) them. Ever since he came back, their attempts have grown stronger and stronger.

And it's pissing me off.

The one who has been working the hardest is Lauren Mallory.

And, the next time she throws herself at Edward, I am going to go bat shit crazy.

Speak of the devil.

Slack-flap came marching down the cafeteria in bright red hooker shoes, a 4.5 inch skirt, a visible red thong, and a tight tube top, also red. She had an obvious spray tan, which was uneven, and in the places it was even were orange. Slapper also had bright blue eye shadow and pink lipstick, and obvious cover up for her pimples. She looked like a hooker who was dressing up as a clown for Halloween.

She's just asking for it.

The slut walked up to our table. Well, she didn't really walk. Trashy the Tramp basically strutted towards the table while sticking out her bony ass and shaking her silicone-filled chest. Sigh.

She leaned down towards Edward, who looked so uncomfortable. He looked at me frantically, because he knew I wouldn't tolerate this anymore.

The walking genital wart spoke.

"Hey, Eddie, baby. How are you? I haven't talked to you since you left my room last night. By the way, last night was fantastic. You're so great in bed," she looked at me, as if she didn't just say that to my boyfriend in front of me. I felt the anger start to build up in my chest., "Oh. Hey, Bella! Sorry I kept your boyfriend up all night. In more ways than one."

I started clenching and unclenching my fists. She's just asking to die.

"Lauren, I know Edward wasn't with you last night." I told her calmly.

"Oh really? How? When you called him? I'm still kinda pissed about that. He was in the middle of my legs when you he got your call," Spank-me the Skank said. I see where's she going with this. She thinks that since Edward should be at his house at night, and that I, being a good girlfriend, would call him to wish him a good night would mean that he could have easily been at her house having sex with her when I called him at his house, so then his mother would tell me that he's out of the house so I would call his cell.

Bitch.

"Slu-Lauren, I know he wasn't at your house because I was at his. Alice invited me over for a sleepover and then Alice, Jasper, Edward, and I fell asleep in the Cullen's living room while watching movies." Alice was nodding her head in agreement. Wow. When did I learn to lie?

Slaggy looked shocked, since I'm guessing she didn't expect that. But then, a smirk formed on her clown-face.

"You know, I never understood why the Cullens liked you. I mean, you're nothing special. I guess they just put up with you for Edward's sake."

Oh, I know she is not going there.

"But then again, I never realized why Edward liked you. I heard rumors that Edward only dates you because after he first rejected you, you told him you would put out. Which makes me wonder, why Bella? I mean, look at you. Maybe he felt sorry for you. That's my Edward. Always so…pitying."

I'm sorry, did she say, 'that's _my_ Edward'? He's _mine._

"_There are so many girls in this school who would whore themselves out for Edward, so I wondered for such a long time why he would settle for you. But, just a few weeks ago, it hit me. He isn't just a weird, in-the-closet freak like I first thought."_

_Oh, I'll hit her._

"_He's been trying to make me jealous. It all adds up. I mean, you're the new girl, so you'll have that new…whatever about you that makes you seem mysterious, and no one knows about you, so there's no dirt to find about you. And, all the guys were pining after you too. So, I would be jealous that you were hogging up all the attention and that you were stealing my man."_

_There she goes again with her "my man" shit. His sexy ass is mine._

"_I gotta say, Edward. Brilliant plan. I really believed you for a while. But, when I saw the way you looked at me," with hatred and disgust, "I finally put the pieces together." _

_Oh, I'll make sure they can't put her back together._

"_It made so much sense. But, I do feel bad for you, Edward. You had to look at Bella, hang out with her, and kiss her. And God only knows what else. I'm surprised you didn't vomit at the thought. Because, honestly, Bella, you're just plain ugly. You've got boring brown hair, boring brown eyes, and a boring personality. I heard that the only reason why you moved here was because you got knocked up so they kicked you out of school and you got an abortion before you got here. So, that also makes you a slut. So maybe that's just another reason Edward is dating you. You're slutty. You're an easy lay. You're just a quick fuck._

"_So, Edward, when you're done with this money-grubbing, gold digging, piece of trash, I'll be waiting for you. In my bed. I'll show you what love feels like, and I will make you feel like a man. Not a notch in a bedpost."_

_I was absolutely boiling. I can actually hear the blood in my body sizzling._

"_And, I will take you away her," she must mean me, since she sneered while saying it, "and the rest of this suffocating little town."_

_Alice, who was vibrating with rage, looked at Sperm Dumpster and spoke. "Listen, you-"_

"'_You' what? Let me tell you something shortie, I am not scared of you. Why should I be afraid of a midget like you? I shouldn't, and I'm not. In fact, I should really call Willy Wonka to alert him about his missing Oompla Loompa. You think you're so great Alice, with your expensive and stylish clothes, your oh-so-hot boyfriend, and your mountain of credit cards. But under all of that, you're just a short, insignificant, weird, spoiled rotten, whorish freak. Hell, all of you Cullens are. The only one normal is Edward. I mean, it's obvious the only reason why 'Roids-Roger over there is dating Barbie. She's a slut. It's written all over her. I wouldn't be surprised if we see her in pornos next year. And even your boyfriend, Alice, is a freak. He may be hot, but he looks like an emo cutting himself. That's why he always looks like he's in pain. But, that's probably just you. He looks like a frickin' mental patient. Just like you. And who in the right mind would adopt four freakish teens like you when they are barely thirty. It seems like those would be your parents. They must have seen what a mistake they made, so they adopted Edward to even it out."_

_All of the Cullens were obviously angry, but they didn't do anything._

_Jesus Christ, I a going to kill this bitch._

"_Edward, don't worry. As soon as we graduate, we will get married and live in the place where there are sensible people. Los Angeles. Or, Las Vegas if we're lucky. You'll be a rich hotel and casino owner, and I will be your supermodel wife. And we won't have any brats who will end up bleeding us dry."_

"_But, before you come to me, make sure to get yourself tested. I don't want any of Bella's diseases on you when we're together," She-bitch saw my outraged look. "What, you think the school-no, the town- knew about your frequent sexcapades with every guy in town. With Mike, Tyler, Eric, the La Push boys, Mr. Newton, hell, even some of the guys on your dad's police force. But, the guy we always hear about is that Jacob guy. I mean, he's hot but, cougar much, Bella. You're just a high-maintenance whore, Bella. I wouldn't be surprised if you were screwing around with Edward's brothers. I wouldn't even doubt the possibility of you fucking Dr. Cullen. Edward, can you imagine that? The girl you have to be seen with is not only ugly and boring, but she's banging your brothers and father. And, she's cheating on you with Jacob. I wouldn't be surprised if they fucked in your car, your house, maybe even your own bed. Where's the line?"_

"_And, he's sacrificing all of his precious time just to get close to me. How sweet."_

_Jessica was nodding along. I can't even believe I called her a friend. Angela stepped up, though._

"_Lauren, there was a line 10 miles behind you. I think you need to-"_

"_Oh, shut up Angela. Grow some fucking backbone. You're nothing but a prudish, spineless, mousy little bitch. I wouldn't be surprised if you never get laid. Who would want a frigid bitch in bed, anyway?"_

_Angela looked ready to cry._

_That bitch is going to die today._

"_Anyway, Bellsie, I think you deserve this for all the pain and suffering you put everyone through whenever you breathe. You're just a nuisance and you cause misery wherever you go. The world will be such a better place the second you die. I'll make sure to throw a parade. But, before that, let me give you what you deserve."_

_And she slapped me. Hard. Everyone in the cafeteria gasped. The-Future-College-Man's-Last-Resort giggled. I kept my head down in the direction she slapped me. "Aw, is wittle Bewwa hurt? Is she gonna cwy?"_

_That, dear readers, was the straw that broke the camel's back._

_I said calmly to Santa's First Ho, "You know, Lauren, I never noticed how nice your hair is. May I touch it?"_

_Slutty McSlut-Slut snickered. "Ah, Bella. You're just as spineless as Angela. But, I am happy you realized just one of the many things about me that are better than you. So of course, you can."_

_I reached for her hair. Everyone was looking at me with confusion. "It's so soft…" I murmured. _

"_Well, I do use this special imported conditioner that you would never be able to afford anyway that…"_

_I tuned her out after Miss-I -Like-It-Doggy-Style's first syllable. I was too busy wondering where to store the body…_

"_it clean and moisturizes the scalp and.."_

_La Push? The forest? Maybe the meadow, then Edward and I could do it on the grave? I'll figure it out later._

_I suddenly grabbed a fistful of her hair and slammed her face down on the table. I heard the wonderful sound of her pain-filled groan. Everyone, once again, gasped._

"_That was for insulting Angela." I said, still calm. Angela smiled._

_I slammed her face again._

"_That was for calling me a gold-digging whore."_

_I did it again._

"_That was for telling me I'm ugly.."_

_I did it again._

"…_and boring."_

_I smacked her face into the table again. _

"_That was for insulting Alice…"_

_Again._

"…_and Jasper…"_

_Again._

"…_and Rosalie…"_

_Again. _

"…_and Emmett…"_

_Again._

"…_and Mr. and Mrs. Cullen…"_

_Again._

"_..and Edward. Because if you wanna die quickly, you insult Edward."_

_I slammed her head three more times. I am pretty sure I heard the bones in her nose crack. _

_I smiled in satisfaction._

_I got up, still holding her by the hair, and I dragged her towards the center of the cafeteria. I took her head put in front of my face, so we were nose to nose._

"_Now, you listen to me. I may not be the prettiest girl in the world. I know I'm not. I am certainly not the most confident or special. But I know that I will always be a better person than you. At least when I walk into the room, people don't have to worry about getting laughed at or touching me in fear of getting herpes. People see you and they know that's all expected. You, Lauren, are the worst type of person in this world. It's ignorant, arrogant, slutty, self-centered girls like you that make the entire female race look like nothing but cheap whores. You're the reason why guys may underestimate us. You are the type of girl that makes guys think they can just use girl for sex because they're too idiotic to realize that they're getting played. I will have you know that I am a virgin. I would never even think of betraying my Edward by sleeping with anyone else, let alone his brothers and his father. But I know that if our personalities were reversed, you would climb into Emmett, Jasper or Dr. Cullen's bed the moment Edward would leave to use the bathroom. _

_You would only use Edward for his money, sex, and a reason to show off how 'fabulous' your life is. You wouldn't be able to see even a bit of the amazing, self-sacrificing, wonderful, intelligent, caring, sweet, short-tempered, incredibly stubborn, gentlemanly being that is Edward Anthony Mason Cullen."_

"_Mary Alice Cullen is the most annoying, hyperactive, stubborn person on the face of the earth."_

_Alice looked very hurt, and the Cullens growled at me._

"_But she wouldn't be Alice if she wasn't like that. She's hyper, yes, but she's makes you feel so good about yourself when she talks to you. You just feel happy around Alice. She maybe annoying, but you can't be mad at her. Because it she always has your best interests at heart and she knows what you need, even before you know it yourself. She read everyone like a book. She is the best friend anyone could ask for. She is my sister."_

_Alice now looked like if she could cry, she would out of joy._

"_Rosalie Lillian Hale is…mean, vain, jealous, and bitter. But she is the most beautiful person, inside and out. She may seem evil or rude, but behind that beautiful and angry skin, there is a girl who is just like us. She knows what if feels like to be hurt and insecure. She is a person, just like the rest of us. She gets angry, she gets sad, she gets hurt. But she's only human. She is probably the most human person here in this world."_

"_Emmett McCarty Cullen is strange, loud, blunt, loud, and loud. But he's just a big teddy bear. Everyone thinks that he is just some steroids filled angry jock, or some intimidating bully. But frankly, whenever Emmett makes a funny yet disturbing/sex-related joke, I want to give him a hug, that hopefully won't end up killing me, but will make me feel like a part of the family. Then I wanna smack him. But he's a great person."_

"_Jasper Whitlock Hale is a great guy. He might seem distant or strange, but he's a sweet guy. He certainly does not cut himself. He is one of the coolest people I know. He is smart, funny, and is the only person on this earth that can kick my ass at Guitar Hero and Band Hero. Sometimes, I wonder if we were brother and sister, separated at birth."_

"_And, Angela, Mrs. Cullen, and Dr. Cullen are some of the nicest people on the planet. They are great, giving, generous people. Angela is one of the most exciting people I know. Why? Because I am telling you, she parties harder than Paris Hilton, just without all the slutty moves and sex tape. And at least Mr. and Mrs. Cullen were willing to adopt kids that everyone else gave up on. They should be more people like them in the world."_

"_Apologize."_

_Shithead McGee rolled her eyes._

"_Apologize."_

_Lindsey Lohan (AN: Ok, that one was mean.) stuck her tongue out at me._

"_Apologize."_

_She spat in my eye._

"_Well, see now I'm going to have to kick your ass."_

_I swung Strumpet around in a circle until she gained enough momentum for me to let go of her head and for her to crash into the table._

"_You, my non-friend, are a slut. Plain and simple."_

_I walked up to her and kneeled down. I punch her multiple times. I grabbed her by the throat._

"_You think, that you're gonna say all that shit about my friends, my future-family, and the love of my life, and live? HA!"_

_I slammed her into the wall. "Just try me, bitch." I dropped her and started to walk away towards the door. There was a short pause, then, the entire cafeteria started cheering. Even the teachers, who came in around the end of Bimbo Barbie's speech, applauded._

_But then, Mike shouted, "Bella, behind you!"_

_I turned to see Whoren mid-air, jumping towards me. We fell to the floor. She pinned me to the ground._

"_You bitch. I'll kill you myself." She took one hand off my wrist to punch me._

_Big. Fucking. Mistake._

_I grabbed her fist and twisted it. She yelped and I took the opportunity to punch her in the stomach, making her fall down._

"_WOO! GO BELLA!"_

_Oh, Emmett. You're so supportive._

_I picked her up by her hair again, and smacked her at least 15 times. Each time, I spat out a name._

"_Bitch." Slap._

"_Whore." Slap._

"_Cocksucking idiot." Slap._

"_Twat." Slap._

_Loose Hooker grabbed my neck and started chocking me. She flipped me over onto my back._

_My arms were flailing around, trying to get in a good punch before she killed me. Luckily, a good left jab to her ribs worked. The breath was literally knocked out of her. I took that chance to push her off of me and stand up. The Harlot was already trying to get up as well. I kicked her right in the stomach. She collapsed._

"_Oh," the crowd said._

_I kicked her again, in the ribs._

"_Ow," the crowd sang._

_I kicked her in the head._

"_Aw," again, sound effects from the crowd._

_I brought my heel down into her spine._

"_Ouch," said the crowd._

"_I felt that one," said Rosalie._

_I moved to kick Hoochie again when she grabbed my foot and pulled me down. She got up and tried to tackle me again. I moved at the last second, so she landed flat on the floor. I grabbed her hair and the back of her shirt, picked her up, and brought her to where the lunch line starts. I pushed her down the tray counter, knocking down at least 10 trays. _

_She fell off the end of the counter. I walked-well, limped, that pull to the leg might have pulled a muscle- to the cafeteria exit, with the crowd of students still cheering. But I was shocked to find that Floozy had now attached her self to my back._

"_I gotcha now!" She sang into my ear._

"_Get off me you crazy bitch!" I yelled. I ran backwards into the wall, so Skeezer got the hit. I turned around and ran backwards into another wall. I tried to slam into the wall again, but my clumsiness kicked in and I fell. Luckily, I fell on my back so White Trash still took the hit. _

_But the bitch kept on holding on._

_So I got back up, determined, and ran towards the closest table._

_The Cullen table. Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper and Edward, seeing me charging towards the table, quickly scattered as I jumped and turned in the air and landed Lauren-first on the table._

"_Damn," Jasper said, but he dragged it out so it sounded like, "Daaaaaayuuuuumm!"_

_She finally let go of me and was still in the table._

_I tried, once again, to leave the cafeteria, but no, Fugly tries again._

"_AH!" She was yelling and charging at me with a chair. _

"_Oh shit!" I shouted. I moved out of her direction and tripped her. She fell face first onto the ground. That's it._

_I flipped her over and punched the shit out of her. She kept on thrashing around, but that only made it worse._

_For her, of course._

_But, since I was still standing, The Breathing STD was able to kick me down and slapped me._

"_Really, hag? Slapping?" I taunted her. I punch her right in the jaw. She fell over again and I ran towards the tables. Standing on top of the table, I, with my elbow ready, jumped on he, my elbow landing right in her gut. The breath rushed out of her._

"_Oh," came from the audience._

"_I felt that one too," Rose said._

"_C'mon, you little crack-whore, get up. You want to kill me, don't you? Go ahead. Stand up," I kept taunting her. I was circling around her limp body. She struggled but she managed to get up._

_The bitch can take a punch, I'll give her that._

_It was like watching a football game. We ran towards each other and slammed together, but I put my leg between hers and put my right on the left side of her neck. I knocked her legs out from under her and pushed her head to the floor._

"_Ah," said the crowd._

_I lifted Slore by her shirt, and slammed her down onto my knee so the middle of her back met my knee._

"_Ow," from the dear crowd._

_I pushed her to the ground, the flipped her onto her stomach. I sat on her back and grabbed her leg._

"_Say you're sorry," I said._

"_Never," she spat out._

"_Fine," I twisted her ankle._

_She screamed. I flipped around on her back and pulled Lauren's arm behind her back._

"_Say you're sorry," I demanded._

"_I won't," she said._

_I pulled her arms as hard as I could. I think her shoulder popped._

_Suddenly, Lauren's legs kicked me in the back of the head, and I fell. _

_Lauren pinned me to the ground. She punched me, slapped me, and spat in my face. I am sure my nose is broken and I am sure I have a black eye._

_The crowd booed Lauren. I grabbed her head and threw her down._

"_Bitch, don't mess with me. You messed with my man, and that right there is enough to get killed. So if you don't apologize to me and everyone in this room, I will hurt you so much you little, cockeating, moronic, plastic, silicone, fake, Barbie-like, bimbo-ish, whorish, sluttish, gold-digging, selfish, mean, rude, idiotic, good-for-nothing, pigheaded, ugly, boring, disease ridden, prostitute!" I shouted._

_It was so loud the sound echoed. The crowd was silent._

_That felt good._

"_Fine! You know what, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Angela. I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. I'm sorry, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice. But you know what Bella, I won't be sorry for you after they send you into the mental hospital when Edward inevitably dumps your ass and leaves you. AGAIN."_

_I was absolutely seething._

_I was so mad, I kicked her in the face. I grabbed a fork and I stabbed holes in her water bra. _

"_Take it back."_

"_No."_

"_Take it back."_

"_No."_

"_Fine, then." I took her arm and broke it. She screamed and stomped her heel down on by shin, most likely breaking it. I grunted, in an enormous amount of pain. _

_I reached for her throat when a familiar pair of arms go around my waist. _

"_Bella, love, relax, relax." Edward said, kissing my neck. I began to relax against my will. I glared at Jasper, who shrugged sheepishly._

_Edward tried to dragged me away._

"_I'll kill her!" I yelled. She stuck out her tongue. I fought out of Edward's arms (miraculously) and charged back towards Chickenhead. Edward grabbed me again while I grabbed Hoebag's hair for the umpteenth time. _

_He dragged me towards the exit as I dragged Trick with me. _

"_Bella, sweetheart, let go of Lauren," he said soothingly._

_I hissed._

"_Bella," he said sternly. I ripped out the patch of hair I was clutching._

_Biatch screamed yet again. She started crying out, "My hair, my beautiful hair!"_

"_Ha! Look at that, Lauren! You're most likely the youngest whore in the world to have a bald spot before twenty!"_

_As I was being dragged, I looked around. Everyone was chanting "Bella! Bella!" and the Cullens looked both proud and thirsty. It must be all the blood. Edward finally dragged me out of the lunchroom._

_He pinned me against the lockers and kissed me. And I mean, kissed me, kissed me. I felt my knees go weak from it, and the blinding pain in my shin that I must have forgotten about._

"_Bella, that was amazing. I never knew you could be so…short tempered."_

_What does he mean? I thought he would be embarrassed. I mean, it felt great to open such a huge can of whoop-ass on her, but I thought he would be turned off._

"_But…but…aren't you ashamed of me?" I asked._

"_Ashamed? Bella, not only did you stand up for my family and your friends, but you stood up for us. You defended us. You beat Lauren's ass, and looked incredibly sexy doing it."_

"_Sexy…me? How?" _

"_Bella, have you seen how you look?"_

_I looked down. I saw that the shorts I was wearing and they were ripped so they barely covered my thighs. My short sleeve shirt was ripped at the sleeves and down the front, so you could see my bra. _

"_You looked so good out there. You are a great fighter. You really have to challenge Emmett to a wrestling match when you're changed."_

"_Why did you take me out then?"_

"_Well, one, you were about to kill her, I didn't need Alice to see that, and two, the principal was coming. He's right around the corner."_

"_What?"_

"_ISABELLA SWAN!"_

_Shit._

_The end. I will be making a sequel. I was actually gonna make it longer, but it is 4 AM and I am tired._


End file.
